My Thoughts on Screaming

Many people react to comments they don’t like by screaming, “No! You’re wrong!” This is often followed by name-calling (see yesterday’s entry) and accusations.

It’s easier to reject someone’s argument if you convince yourself that person is evil. Or stupid. Or whatever it takes.

My practice is to give myself a cooling-off period when possible. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve dashed off a written response to someone--a letter, a FB post, an email, and then let it “sit” for a while. I usually delete it the next day. Anger doesn’t beat truth, no matter how much I’d like it to.

I recall writing an incensed letter to one of my book editors once, telling her she’d overstepped her role and that it was my book and I’d write it the way I wanted to. The next day, when I thought it through and looked at the manuscript again, I saw that she was only telling me what readers were seeing. I actually had to go out to the mailbox, retrieve the letter, and tear it up. (I know. That was back in the days when I actually mailed stuff to an editor and she mailed it back. The Dark-Dark Ages.)

Sometime we have to respond in the moment, and that’s more difficult. It’s hard to say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and even harder to say, “I’ll think about what you’ve said.”

When you stop trying to prove that a person is wrong, that she’s out to “get” you, that she thinks she’s better than you, you can listen to what she has to say. And if you can keep yourself from screaming, from pounding the table, from insulting your opponent, you will keep the discussion open, which is better for everyone.

Sadly, the screamers want to shut the rest of us up so they can get on with getting their way.

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